(Why Won't You Respect) When I Say No
by KitKatt0430
Summary: It wasn't just that Gus had cheated on him. It was the way he expected Rusty to forgive him if he apologized enough. The way he refused to understand that Rusty's trust issues affected the broken trust between them now. The way he wouldn't stop calling while Rusty was at work. The way he thought that he had any right to ask to share Rusty's bed. Sometimes love doesn't last.


Summary: It wasn't just that Gus had cheated on him. It was the way he expected Rusty to just magically forgive him if he apologized enough times. The way he refused to understand that Rusty's pre-existing trust issues affected the broken trust between them now. The way he wouldn't stop calling while Rusty was in class or at work. The way he thought that he had any right to ask to share Rusty's bed again.

Sometimes love doesn't last.

(A story where Gus' behavior in ignoring Rusty's boundaries is not rewarded.)

Notes:

I really liked Gus up until this last season, at which point his behavior towards Rusty was just... ugh. Calling it harassment is being far too kind and the fact that its implied the two of them get back together in the end makes me all kinds of uncomfortable. All the times Rusty told Gus 'no' and tried to make him back off and... Gus would not do it. At all. And then there was that creepy scene where Gus all but said that he was entitled to sleep with Rusty because Gus' feelings for Rusty had made him a target for Stroh.

Gus's feelings for Rusty and the danger he was potentially in from Stroh did not obligate Rusty to forgive Gus or resume their previous relationship with him or sleep with Gus in either the literal or metaphorical sense. Gus, however, clearly though otherwise no matter how nicely he tried to phrase it. That whole scene was just manipulative and horrifying. That Provenza and Flynn thought it was totally cool to push Rusty to get back together with someone he'd repeatedly said he didn't want to date anymore was pretty gross too. Though at least we don't know for sure what Gus actually discussed with Andy.

Admittedly, Provenza is not the most LGBT+ friendly character, so its not surprising it didn't occur to him that he was actually being pretty awful to Rusty. Provenza is the character, throughout Major Crimes and the Closer, who was most likely to throw out a queer-phobic comment or insult... but he also chose to set his prejudices aside and grow as a character when he saw how his words and actions negatively affected people he cared about, such as his former partner who came out as trans or, eventually, Rusty when he saw how much the kid was struggling with coming to terms with being gay. But though he's trying, that doesn't mean he's always going to succeed, so at least his words and actions were character consistent. I don't know what the hell was up with Andy, though. So... I'm going with Gus must have misconstrued - heavily so - what Andy said.

So here's how I wish things had ended between them instead.

 _ **(Why Won't You Respect) When I Say No**_

There'd been a lot of reasons - really valid reasons - why Rusty hadn't wanted to start a relationship with Gus in the first place.

One, most importantly, Rusty still hadn't figured out how to be comfortable about being openly gay. He'd been closeted for so long - or at least he'd thought he'd been closeted, but apparently his coming out had been a surprise to exactly no one - and spent so long (rightfully) terrified that the reason his mother had found it so easy to abandon him was because he was gay that, well... he just wasn't sure he was at a point in his life yet where he could reach out to hold his boyfriend's hand and feel... anything other than self conscious and afraid when all he wanted was to feel safe and normal. Maybe even proud.

Second, Rusty still had nightmares a lot. Sure, they'd lessened after he started feeling safe living with Sharon and lessened further because of his sessions with Doctor Joe, but the nightmares were probably never going to go away entirely. He didn't wake up violently - Mom or Andy could usually wake him with a gentle shake to the shoulder on the rare occasion that his nightmares made him sleep through his alarm - but the fear that he might one day wake up fists first, might hurt someone he cared about... he didn't know what to do with that fear, though clearly it was something he needed to start unpacking in his next session with Dr. Joe.

Third... he was still attending regular sessions with Dr. Joe. A lot fewer than he had at the start, but every time he thought maybe he'd worked through all his issues... something new popped up. Considering he hadn't had sex, or even kissed anyone, since his days on the street... what happened if he freaked out while kissing Gus or while... yeah. Suffice it to say, Rusty knew he had baggage, but not even he knew just how much baggage was actually there.

Fourth (which probably should've been second on the list), was that he'd have to tell Gus. Everything. He'd have to be honest about why he was in therapy and why he currently had minimal contact with his birth mother (sometimes she'd call or they'd meet up and it'd be okay; sometimes she'd push at his boundaries in such a way that Rusty would just hang up on her or walk away for the sake of his own mental health). Because if he was going to do his best to have a relationship that was healthy and lasted then he was going to have to be willing to be honest about his past and his feelings or... it would fall apart because of his fears.

The fourth reason naturally rolled into the fifth reason, which was the certainty that when Gus realized how broken Rusty was - how difficult a time Rusty was having learning how to not be so damn selfish all the time and prioritize friends and family over himself - then Gus would walk. Justifiably. Because Rusty was just too... high maintenance for a relationship to work and Gus would see that and... everything would be over before it began and Rusty would be heartbroken. Better to not try than to deliberately hurt himself again.

But Gus persisted. Gus thought Rusty was worth the effort and the rejection and determinedly pushing past Rusty's obvious trust issues all for the chance that, maybe, Rusty would decide Gus was worth the risk too.

It was sweet and flattering and Rusty's very blatant crush began transforming into something very much like love.

So Rusty changed his 'no' to a 'yes' and fumbled his way through their first date with his nerves jangling the whole time, but... it had been wonderful. They'd held hands under the table, brushed hands and fingers above the table, just... talked about everything and anything (not Rusty's history, not yet, too soon) and then Gus kissed Rusty goodnight.

Rusty'd been kissed a lot. Demanding kisses that took and took and took, but never gave... and Gus's kiss was nothing like that. Sweet and kind and promising warmth... Rusty'd never had a kiss make him feel safe like that before.

Falling in love with Gus had been easy.

Then date three came around and there were social expectations and Rusty tried to just go with the flow because the kissing was amazing and Gus's hands on Rusty's hips and under his shirt and... it felt amazing until suddenly it wasn't. Until suddenly Rusty's mind remembered the last time he'd been touched and groped and turned on and he couldn't breathe. Rusty was pulling away and trying not to hyperventilate and... oh god, what must Gus be thinking?

But Gus just settled Rusty down on the couch - fully dressed again and wrapped up in his mom's warmest, fuzziest blanket - made them both some hot cocoa and listened as Rusty, haltingly, explained his past. Gus held Rusty's hand when he had trouble looking the other man in the eye during the explanations. Gus didn't interrupt even when Rusty reached the part about Stroh and how he had become a witness to a murder.

Then, when Rusty finished, they sat in silence for a long moment. Gus turning this new information over in his mind and Rusty very quietly freaking out because this was it. Gus knew everything now. It was over. Despite his promises, Gus couldn't possibly be expected to stick it out in the face of all... that.

Except... Gus had finally tilted Rusty's face up and to the side so that the smile he wore, quiet and tentative and oh so very kind, could be seen. "I don't know what to say," Gus had told him. "I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. But I'm so glad you trusted me enough to tell me. Thank you, Rusty."

For not knowing what to say, Gus did an amazing job of finding the right words to ease all Rusty's fears.

So, yeah, falling in love with Gus was the easiest part of their relationship.

* * *

Rusty had been right to worry about his baggage negatively affecting their relationship, though. Gus had looked so excited when he'd asked Rusty to move in with him, cheerfully trying to blow Rusty's every objection away with logic and romance.

But the very idea of being dependent on someone else - someone not his mom, not Sharon Rayder - for paying his rent... he couldn't explain at first why that was so abhorrent to him. His head turned into a jumbled mess, his anxiety ratcheting up until all he could do was say angry defensive things that made Gus angry and defensive in return and...

The moment Rusty understood what was wrong, he wanted to run straight to Gus and explain and apologize for being so difficult, but make it clear that he wasn't refusing to move in with Gus because he feelings were any less than Gus' or for some random asshole reasons. This was a boundary that Rusty needed to be respected for his mental health but one that he needed to explain clearly for their relationships' health.

There'd been a moment that Rusty had been afraid that their arguing had gone too far and that Gus was too done with Rusty to listen. But then Gus had given Rusty the time to speak without interruption. He didn't understand, not fully. But he tried and he accepted that until Rusty could pay his own way, they were going to live apart. And things were good again.

Until the 'promotion'.

Gus wanted to move to Napa. Wanted Rusty to move there with him.

Hadn't they just gone over this? Hadn't Rusty just explained all the reasons why he could not move in with Gus yet? What the hell?

Rusty had his internship to think about. He had scholarships for UCLA that he'd lose if he transferred to Berkeley like Gus suggested, and there was no guarantee he'd get accepted at Berkeley anyway. (Okay, so he would. He totally would, his grades were awesome. That wasn't the point.) His mom and all the Major Crimes squad members were the first stable support network he'd ever had. He wasn't sure he could just leave them behind yet. He'd have to find a new therapist because Dr. Joe's offices would be very inconveniently located for a drive from Napa.

Once Rusty had time to calm down alone and map out all the reasons why he wasn't in a position to move to Napa yet, he figured that when he and Gus met up again they could discuss things more rationally, find a compromise that worked for them, and maybe discuss Gus' tendency to try and make relationship decisions for the both of them? Because that was uncool and it really needed to stop (not least of all because Rusty was tired of being the one who panicked when Gus' 'surprises' made his anxiety levels go into overdrive and then he'd wind up feeling like the bad guy afterwards).

Except Gus did it again by deciding to just give up on the promotion altogether because Rusty was being unreasonable. Why was it so hard for Gus to just sit down and discuss stuff with Rusty instead of springing it on him already decided? They really needed to talk that out soon.

And then there was Aiden. Aiden who knew exactly how suave and charming he was and what a catch Gus was and... made no secret of his intentions because he knew that if Rusty said a damn thing about Aiden, Gus would assume that Rusty was jumping to conclusions, misinterpreting, and letting his past color his perceptions. In short, he'd assume Rusty was having a jealous, irrational snit.

Still, compromising with a long-distance relationship had been what Rusty had intended to go with regardless of Aiden and if... if Gus saw that this stable, attractive guy was trying to seduce him and realized that maybe he wanted to give that a try, well...

Rusty would let him go if that was what Gus ended up wanting. It'd hurt, but it'd hurt more if Rusty kept Gus trapped in a relationship that couldn't last. But Gus seemed fairly oblivious to Aiden, so maybe Rusty was worried about nothing.

They agreed on taking turns visiting each other, drew up a schedule that would account for things like Rusty needing extra study time or Gus taking extra hours at work sometimes. They worked out when the best time to call each other would be to avoid work hours and classes. They bid goodbye to Gus' apartment in the best (steamiest) way possible and christened pretty much every room in the new apartment the same way.

Everything was going to work out okay after all.

Until Gus stopped returning Rusty's calls.

* * *

He didn't realize he was being ghosted at first. That just wasn't... it wasn't the sort of thing Gus would do. Not deliberately.

Gus was probably busy with work. That was all. Sure, he'd missed a visit with no explanation yet, but... it wasn't really ghosting.

Rusty left strained messages on Gus' voicemail after being clearly having his call rejected after a single ring. It happened over and over again until first Rusty stopped leaving messages and then he just... stopped calling.

This had to be an overreaction. Gus was just... busy. He'd explain when he finally had time to call and it would all make sense and they'd laugh about this later.

Gus didn't call.

Then everything with the missing kids and the Catholic Church and how maybe Stroh was back after all and his mom's collapse was too much and Rusty called Gus on reflex despite promising himself he'd wait for Gus to be the one to make the first move. Rusty left a message telling Gus how awful everything was and how frightened he was and how he just needed to hear Gus' voice and it would all be okay again...

He erased the message and then left a different one instead.

"I thought that if you were going to start something with Aiden, you'd at least have the decency to break up with me first."

Gus still didn't call back. But he did come to the wedding - alone, thank goodness; Rusty wasn't sure he would've been able to hold back from making a scene if Aiden had been there. But instead he was able to grit his teeth in the passable imitation of a smile, support his mother and Andy, and studiously avoid Gus throughout the reception afterwards. Emily seemed to know something was wrong (bless her, really, she was Rusty's favorite adopted sibling hands down) and she clearly nudged Ricky (who, despite their rocky start, was a pretty awesome sibling himself); the two of them watched over him like particularly doting hawks, chasing off Gus and ensuring that Rusty always had someone to talk to, whether it was them or someone from Andy's side of the family or the detectives (who were basically from both sides of the family all at once).

While Rusty couldn't forget that Gus was there and trying to push for more than Rusty was willing to give him just now, he still ended up enjoying the wedding after all.

(Having older siblings was wonderful and clearly he needed to start asking for tips so he'd be a good big brother to his baby sister once she was born.)

* * *

"I'm not dating Aiden."

"Now or ever?"

The silence was telling.

"How did you think this was going to go? That I'd just forgive you and we'd move on?"

"... no." The yes was unspoken but still audible.

"Did you sleep with him?"

"Rusty, I'm so sorry."

"That's a yes, then."

"Rusty, please, let me explain."

"There's nothing to explain. We're through."

"It's over between us."

"Yes. We are."

"No, Aiden and I... it was a mistake. It's over. We can still fix this. Fix us."

"I don't care. This isn't... I can't trust you anymore and that can't be fixed. Get out, Gus. We're over." When Gus didn't move to leave, Rusty screamed at him to get out.

The sound of the door shutting felt... final.

* * *

He told Sharon about what happened with Gus the next time they met up. She was ridiculously round with pregnancy and her hormones made her cry at the drop of a hat, so he wasn't surprised when she started tearing up the second he said he'd broken up with Gus. He started crying too, especially when he admitted to her that Stroh was becoming a danger again and that Sharon Rayder (he tried not to call her mom in front of Sharon too much, all too aware that once upon a time the names had been the other way around) was sick. That he was under so much stress and that... choosing to end his relationship with Gus instead of fighting for it felt like a relief.

"Sometimes love isn't enough. That's not... that's not always a bad thing, Rusty. If you need to let what you had with Gus go in order to better deal with the rest of your life... don't let him guilt you back into it. I'm still learning how to tell the difference, but... sometimes you have to be selfish for your own good. Prioritizing your healing over his... that's not a bad thing here." She paused and then added hesitantly, "I know you had to learn to do that with me and... seeing how far you've come, I'm very glad you did that."

It was weird hearing good advice come out of Sharon Beck's mouth. But it was nice change.

"I've started attending therapy," Sharon told him. "Because you told me how much its helped you, I thought... maybe it'd do me good too."

"Do you like your doctor? I picked Dr. Joe based on his chess skills."

Sharon laughed and smiled wryly. "Yeah, I like her. She won't let me make excuses or pass the blame for my actions. But she also tells me I should be proud of myself for seeking out help."

"That's good to hear." And it really, really was.

* * *

Gus kept calling. Rusty kept rejecting the call, emptying his voicemails unread.

Finally Gus sent a text. 'I have some of your things and you have some of mine. Would you like to meet up, trade them back?'

* * *

The trade could've gone better.

Learning that Aiden had fired Gus niggled at Rusty in a way that he couldn't quite explain. It felt wrong, like when he was a kid and he'd worry at a tooth that was just barely loose. It just bothered him and he couldn't let it go and then, after talking it over with Andrea and looking past his own anger at Gus, Rusty had his answer.

What Aiden did was illegal. Gus could sue. Gus should sue. But of course he was too busy feeling self-pitying and ashamed to realize that he wasn't actually special. Aiden had done this before and would do it again and Gus could use that to demand the compensation he deserved (needed) in order to get a job that actually suited his skills.

So Rusty took the initiative, confronted Aiden, and successfully won a settlement from the asshole. Gus got the letter of recommendation he needed and the money he was owed (and if Gus chose to tear up the check then, whatever, Rusty genuinely did not care) and that should have been it. Rusty had a thing about injustices and that was all it had been about.

He did not want to salvage their relationship. He did not want further contact with Gus.

Gus would not take the hint.

* * *

Gus needed to stop calling before this started feeling like harassment.

* * *

Rusty had never made a secret of his trust issues. So how it was Gus thought he could magically earn Rusty's trust back, he had no idea.

Yes, he could have handled their confrontation better. No, he didn't think Gus had ever cheated on him before Aiden. He hadn't actually thought Gus would cheat on him with Aiden at all; he'd meant what he'd said on that voicemail about expecting that Gus would break up with him first. He'd never guessed that sweet, kind, understanding Gus, who'd held Rusty after his nightmares and kissed away his fears and said the words 'I love you' with such feeling... would choose to hurt him this way.

He'd needed to make that point, though. He'd needed Gus to understand that Rusty would never be able to look at him the same way again. What happened the next time someone found Gus attractive? Rusty wasn't sure he could trust Gus not to get so damn flattered that he'd throw their relationship away again. He wasn't sure that he wouldn't get jealous and snippy and just...

Gus was the one who'd fucked up. Rusty was tired of being made to feel like the villain.

"I never was any good at making you happy." At least that much was honest.

* * *

He wasn't sure why he'd called Gus when his mom collapsed.

Maybe it was because Gus had asked if they could be friends one day. Rusty could not be in a romantic or sexual relationship with Gus ever again. But friendship?

Rusty had been turning that question over in his mind and he thought that maybe friendship was doable. If Gus was serious about being just friends and nothing more, Rusty thought that might work. Gus just needed to stop acting like he was entitled to be Rusty's boyfriend just because that was what Gus wanted.

So when he got to the hospital and there was nothing he could do beyond sit beside Andy and fret, the first break Rusty took to get coffee for them both, he took a moment to call Gus.

"I need a friend here," Rusty had told him.

Gus dropped everything and he came. He didn't try to hug Rusty afterwards, when the bad news came. He just offered his support with a quiet promise of whatever Rusty needed.

Afterwards, he kept stopping by the apartment. Gus would make food with Patrice and take out the recycling and tidy up the living room and generally do whatever needed doing to make things easier on Rusty, Andy, Emily, and Ricky. Sometimes Rusty would come out of his room and talk to Gus, sometimes he'd hide in his room and pretend Gus wasn't there.

Rusty wasn't entirely sure he was ready to be friends with Gus after all.

* * *

"A little sister, huh?" Ricky grinned, a little less sad than he'd been before. "Oh, yeah, I've got all the best advice."

"Don't listen to him," Emily told him. "He spent years telling me that being a ballerina wasn't as cool as being a ninja. His advice is terrible."

"Ninjas are way cooler," Ricky insisted.

"I dunno, ballet dancers - particularly guy ballet dancers - have to have all that upper arm strength and..." Rusty shared a smirky look with Emily while Ricky rolled his eyes.

"What are your thoughts on pirates, then?"

"Bad hygiene, syphilis, and scurvy," Rusty responded promptly while Emily cracked up. "I will concede, however, that ninjas are indeed awesome."

Ricky cheered, then excused himself to the bathroom.

"So... Gus has been around a lot," Emily observed quietly. "How are you dealing with that?"

"He asked if we could ever be friends so... I'm giving being friends a chance," Rusty told her. "Some days its easier than others."

Emily nodded, looking concerned. "He does know its only being friends that you're giving a chance, though... right?"

"Yeah, he knows." At least... Rusty hoped Gus knew that.

* * *

"That's... that's Phillip Stroh?" Gus walked up to point at the photo in shock.

"Yeah." There was a sinking feeling in Rusty's gut. "Yeah, why?"

"I saw him." Now Gus had the whole room's attention.

"What?"

"I saw him," Gus repeated.

"Where?" It was a wonder that Rusty wasn't shaking as he asked.

"At the restaurant."

"When?" cut in Provenza. "When did you see him?"

"I... I waited on him. He was my customer... the-the night Sharon died."

Now it was Sanchez who asked, "did you guys talk?"

"Yeah... I thought maybe he was hitting on me a little. He asked if I had a boyfriend."

"And what did you say?" Andy demanded.

"Well... that I was trying to work things out, that I wasn't sure." Gus was looking right at Rusty... equal parts hesitancy and fear and hope on his face.

All Rusty could wonder was how many times he had to tell Gus that they were never going to be a couple again before it finally sank in.

* * *

"Now, we can save a serious amount of money if Rusty and Gus are under the protection of a single team."

There was a sort of... ringing in Rusty's ears. "Wait, what?" Provenza could not possibly be suggesting that...

"Gus can stay at the condo." Damn it, Provenza.

"That's not a bad idea."

"I've already cleared it with Flynn and its no hardship on them, they're dating."

"No, we're not," Rusty snapped sharply at the same moment Gus protested, "no, we're not dating."

"Well, you bat for the same team, anyway. Might as well share a dugout." Provenza was being more of an ass than usual and clearly had no idea.

There's no way he'd be suggesting making Rusty stay with his ex if Rusty were a woman.

"We can't compel you to agree, but it would be a huge help," Mason said, in a way that conveyed that Rusty had better not be about to make him waste even more time, money, and resources on protecting people from a threat he wasn't convinced that big a problem.

Rusty wasn't entirely sure what he said after that point. His brain was tying itself up into knots, anxiety curdling in his gut, and he cut himself off before he could start babbling. "Alright. If Andy say's its okay..."

Gus had a wounded expression on his face that made Rusty feel like the bad guy all over again. They weren't dating; why did Gus still make him feel this bad so easily?

"Look, i-if you don't want me to -" Gus started to say.

"I said its okay," Rusty cut in sharply. "I said its fine, Gus," he reiterated even though it wasn't fine. Not even remotely.

"Maybe I don't need security." Gus' naivety was almost painful.

"Stroh said that he might run into you again. You need security."

"Whatever."

Rusty felt embarrassed and small as Detective Paige rolled her eyes when he looked at her. He wasn't trying to make a scene. He really wasn't. And he didn't want anything bad to happen to Gus either.

He just... the idea of sleeping in the same apartment as Gus made Rusty's skin crawl. And not in the fun way.

* * *

"What? Do... do you have an idea?" Rusty perked up because, really, he just needs to understand this or he's going to stay up all night driving himself crazy with one theory after the next. He'd rather bounce ideas off one of the detectives or Andrea, but Gus is the only one in the condo with him at the moment so... Gus would have to do.

"Yeah. I do. And I talked to Andy about it, and he actually said he agreed with me."

"Wait, you told Andy about this idea before me?" Which was both insulting and a relief all at once. "What are you talking about?" Okay, so it was also confusing.

"Look, we've been trapped here together, night after night, and I am bunking on this sofa." Rusty tried to interrupt, but Gus held up a hand to quiet him. "No, just... just listen. Since I could be killed for caring about you, isn't it a little nuts that we can't sleep together? And Andy's fine with me sharing your bedroom."

"The sleeper couch is more comfortable than the air mattress on the floor," Rusty said in a rush, because no... no Gus could not be so entitled as to think he could just... just sleep in Rusty's bed with Rusty in it and Andy wouldn't have...

He wouldn't have...

"That's not what I meant. So many terrible, awful things have happened because of Phillip Stroh. Can't something good come out of this? Does it all have to be a terrible disaster? Just one night..." Gus reached out to try and touch Rusty's arm. "Just give me a chance. Don't I deserve a chance?"

Rusty had frozen, panic rooting him to the spot. But then Gus' fingers brushed his arm and he jerked back, spilling some of his water. His eyes widened and he knew he had to look terrified, given the surprise that appeared on Gus' face. "Don't touch me!"

He didn't remember running to his room, putting the water down on his nightstand, or jamming the door shut with a chair tucked tightly underneath the door handle. But he did remember picking up his phone and calling Dr. Joe.

"Rusty?"

The sound of Joe's voice reminded him of how late it was and he immediately started apologizing and promising to call back at a later time - a decent time when people weren't trying to sleep - and Joe simply asked for him to calm down and concentrate on his breathing.

It occurred to Rusty that he was hyperventilating a little.

"Okay, that sounds better," Joe told him, sounding more alert than he had on answering the phone. "Do you feel better now?"

"Yeah... some." Rusty was sitting on his bed, back ramrod straight against the headboard. He stared blankly at the string-theory he'd set up to track Stroh and the silhouettes with bullet holes and wondered why he didn't feel safe here.

"Are you up to telling me what happened? You wouldn't have called if it weren't important."

Joe had told Rusty that he tried to make himself available to his patients as much as possible. It didn't matter how late or early or inconvenient the timing; if a patient needed him, Joe wanted to help.

So he told Joe what happened. How what Gus said made him feel like Gus felt entitled to Rusty and that his feelings - his consent, or lack thereof - didn't matter.

"Do you need to leave the condo or to have him leave?" Joe asked and that question alone did wonders for relaxing him.

Because Rusty had no doubt that if he told Joe he didn't feel safe in the condo with Gus, then Joe would make sure Gus was gone immediately.

"No. I'll... I'll be okay. I just..." he trailed off, not certain how to phrase how he felt. He'd dealt with men who'd felt entitled to him before.

"How about I stop by Major Crimes in the morning?"

Rusty nodded, then remembered that Joe could not see him through the phone. "I'd appreciate that."

* * *

"You don't owe Gus anything, Rusty. Not your forgiveness or your friendship and most certainly not a place in your bed. Do you want to talk to Andy about any of this?"

It was so nice to feel validated in his feelings for a change. And, yeah, he needed to talk to Andy about this... and Provenza.

* * *

"Okay, so imagine that you are protecting a woman, a former rape victim who was a witness to a serial killer. And her ex boyfriend, who keeps waffling between inappropriately entitled to getting back together with her or being 'just friends' with her, becomes a potential target. Would you actually insist that she share a protection detail with him - that she be left alone with this guy who feels entitled to her body regardless of what she has to say about it - or would you help her take out a restraining order?" Rusty felt vindicated when both men flinched. "So it is because I'm a guy, then."

"Ah, well, that's not..." Provenza sighed and then shrugged. "I'm sorry. You're right. Gus been acting inappropriately?"

"Considering that he tried to convince me he should be sleeping in my bedroom because of his feelings for me and that, oh hey, Andy said it was okay, like that meant my feelings shouldn't need to have any input in the decision. Before mom died, Gus said he wanted us to be friends again one day. I thought he meant it, that he regretted his behavior, but this? I don't like being harassed somewhere I'm supposed to feel safe. I don't feel safe around Gus anymore and I'd rather live in a conference room here than go back to the condo while he's in it."

"I... I never said..." Andy started protesting when Provenza glowered at him. "I... I said I thought the two of you had been a cute couple and it was a shame the two of you couldn't find the common ground you needed to work things out, but I never said he should be sleeping with you!"

"I kind of figured he'd misconstrued something," Rusty allowed, something unknotting in his chest. "Or, well... I did once I calmed down."

"Sleeping here isn't really an option. At least, not long term," Provenza mused.

"I called Emily and Ricky while I was with Dr. Joe earlier," Rusty told them. "Emily doesn't have the space for me right now, but Ricky said I could stay in his guest room for a few weeks. I'd be out of the state so... so I wouldn't need a protection detail. Not so long as we know he's here."

The two detectives exchanged resigned looks. "Head over to Andrea's office and book your flight there. Earliest you can manage. I'll 'forget' my phone at my desk and give you a ride home to pack and then to the airport," Andy promised.

"Thank you."

"No," Provenza said, quietly. "Thank you. Captain Rayder asked us to look after you and we've been screwing that up. But I promise you, we'll take care of Stroh."

"I know," Rusty tells him, wondering if maybe this was what Sharon had wanted all along. For Rusty to be willing to take a step back and trust the people who care about him most to protect him when he needs it. It feels kind of awkward and weird... but kind of nice too.

* * *

Not quite forty-eight hours after finding Ricky waiting for him at the baggage claim, Rusty got a call from Andy telling him that Stroh was dead.

"Provenza shot him. He saw Stroh going for a gun when he was supposed to be cuffing himself, so Provenza shot him in the shoulder. Clipped an artery and Stroh bled out... though not before shooting Provenza too."

"Oh my god, is he okay?" Rusty swallowed hard. What if... what if Provenza were... he should have been there...

"He's fine. Provenza had on his vest, so he's got a bruise the size of an orange and Patrice is taking care of him. So what about you? Going to finish having a vacation with your brother now that you can actually relax, or are you planning on coming back immediately?"

"You can stay as long as you want to," Ricky offered, ruffling Rusty's hair. "I've got so much brotherly wisdom to impart now that Emily isn't here to undermine my genius."

Rusty snorted in amusement, then told Andy, "I'll be staying a little longer, then head back on... Monday? Is Monday good?" Ricky nodded while Andy chimed in with an affirmative.

* * *

"Rusty... thank you for meeting with me," Gus enthused, getting up from the cafe table and pulling out a chair for him.

Uncomfortable expression on his face, Rusty took a seat.

"I know I pushed to far too fast last time, but if you'll just give me a chance I can do better. I'm really sorry."

"You know... there was something I'd meant to talk to you about. Back when Aiden offered you the promotion..."

"Some promotion," Gus muttered, then winced when Rusty shot him an irritated look. "Sorry."

"You have this habit of trying to make decisions for the both of us without getting my input first. When you asked me to move in with you, you were already planning where my stuff would fit in with yours. When I was finally able to articulate why I wasn't ready to move in with you and wouldn't be ready until I was financially stable myself, you said you understood. I thought that meant you were willing to respect my boundaries. Except then you came to me with the news about the promotion and you were so excited... and you expected me to drop everything to follow you." He held up a hand to quiet Gus when the other man made to interrupt. "No. You need to listen to what I have to say." He waited a beat but Gus actually subsided. "Right, so... it was the same thing all over again, but worse because you weren't just asking me to move in with you when you already knew that was pushing past the very boundaries you'd agreed to respect. You were asking me to give up my internship, which was my first step towards financial independence. My scholarship, which was a lot better than anything I'd have been offered at Berkeley. My family, not just Sharon and Andy but everyone in Major Crimes who've become my friends and people I can trust and rely on, something I never had until I met them. My therapist, because finding a new one would have been time consuming and yet another stressor on top of it all.

"So, yeah, you triggered my anxiety when you asked all of that of me."

"I didn't realize..."

"You knew what my boundaries regarding moving in together were, Gus. You knew and you asked anyway." Rusty paused as a waitress walked over, looking between them warily. The tension between the two men was probably unsettlingly obvious to her.

"Can I get you two anything to eat or drink?" she asked.

"I was thinking maybe a sandwich," Gus said, flipping the menu on the table over and scooting it towards Rusty and plastering on a hopeful smile.

"Just a Chai Latte," Rusty told her. "To go. I won't be staying long."

She looked relieved and Gus looked... upset.

"Right, one Chai Latte. For you, sir?"

"N-nothing. Thank you."

Rusty waited a beat, for the waitress to move on to the next table. "When I get anxious, I react with anger. I get mean, say things that are cruel, lash out defensively... I know that and I'm working on finding healthier ways to deal with that anxiety with Dr. Joe. Working through my triggers is kind of hard, though, when I don't know what they all are." He sighed and then said, "anyway, I had been hoping we could talk things out, maybe compromise on a long distance relationship, even though I hated the idea of long-distance, when you decided, for the both of us again, that you'd give up the promotion. Despite how resentful that clearly made you feel.

"That's when I realized there was a pattern of you making decisions for the both of us without genuinely considering that I might have want to actually discuss things with you before just settling on a plan. That's... not healthy in a relationship, Gus. Then, well... how much about me did you tell Aiden? I'm fairly confident you didn't tell him that I was an underage hooker. But that's about as far as I'm sure about. You clearly told him I had trust issues. He was pretty pleased to be able to rub in just how much you'd vented to him about my difficulty communicating in our relationship and my trust issues and..."

"That's... what, am I supposed to not talk about our relationship problems with anyone else at all? Not even someone I thought was a friend? I needed support too, Rusty."

"Yeah. I get that, Gus. I really do. But my mental health issues were none of Aiden's business, but he clearly knew stuff about me that I was very uncomfortable with him knowing. Things you had to have realized were personal, but you shared without my consent anyway. Another one of my boundaries that you didn't mind violating, because how would I ever know anyway."

"Fine, I get it. I screwed up. I'm sorry. How many times do I have to keep apologizing, before you stop treating me like the bad guy?!"

Rusty flinched away as Gus' voice raised and they both went silent as nearby patrons turned to stare at them. He waited for the attention to die down as the waitress returned with his latte, exchanging it for the cash amount of the drink, plus a tip.

Taking a drink, Rusty let the silence go on until Gus shifted uncomfortably.

"You know, it's kind of weird to hear you say that. When we were dating, I always felt like I was the bad guy. The one who screwed everything up. But relationships take two; we were both kind of bad at it, I guess." Rusty shrugged. "Anyway, when you moved to Napa, I didn't say anything about what Aiden told me. I didn't trust that you'd take me seriously. I figured you'd blow me off as being jealous and clingy and since we'd just gotten over one fight... I was pretty wary of starting another one. Besides, you didn't seem aware of Aiden's feelings despite how obvious he was being... I'd figured you'd either keep on being oblivious to his advances and he'd get bored or... or if you noticed and wanted to know what it was like to date someone who was a lot more together with their life than me then you'd still care about me enough to end what we had first.

"Instead, you ghosted me. When we first got together, you were persistent about giving us a chance. It was flattering; you made me feel like maybe I was worth taking a chance on after all. But I was afraid that once you got to know me... you'd realize I wasn't worth the effort. When you basically disappeared on me... it was all my fears made real. I wasn't worth the effort for you to bother even breaking up with me. You were just... you were just gone."

"You are worth everything to me," Gus assured him, tearing up. "I'm so sorry I made you feel that way, Rusty. I'll do better this time, though. Surely you can see how much I care, how much you mean to me..."

"If you really care that much, then why won't you respect when I tell you no?"

"What? Of course I respect when you say no."

"Really? Because I keep telling you 'no' and you keep acting like its merely an obstacle to overcome. I'm never going to date you again. I've told you this over and over again, dozens of different ways. But you keep implying, or outright stating, that you think we're going to get back together. That you think my repeated non-consent will change into a 'yes' if you badger me about it enough. It isn't about forgiving you. If you'd just respect my boundaries, we'd already be friends again. But over and over, you refused to listen.

"I don't want to date you again for a lot of really good reasons, Gus. Not just that you cheated on me, but because you ignore my boundaries, act as though you're feelings obligate me to you, and treated every argument we had as though I was the sole cause of our issues. I can't trust you won't continue to act this way because this is how you've acted ever since you showed up and mom and Andy's wedding. And I can't be sure that I wouldn't use you holding to bad patterns of behavior as an excuse to continue holding on to my own bad patterns... because I already have a few times already."

"I could find a therapist too," Gus offered, half-heartedly.

"You should anyway, if you think its something you need." Rusty let out a long sigh and really looked at Gus. He had to be sure that he meant what he said before the words came out of his mouth.

He had to be sure he wasn't just saying it to hurt Gus. But when Rusty gazed at the other man... he knew. It really was all over in every way.

"But the biggest reason I have for not wanting to date you again... is I'm not in love with you any more."

Gus let out a little sob.

"I'm not going to apologize for how I feel. But I am sorry this it hurts you. We were friends before all this and I wish... I wish we could have had that again. But that ship has sailed too." Rusty stood up, taking his drink with him. "I need you to respect me this time, when I tell you that its over. That I don't want hear from you anymore. Because if you start calling me all the time like you did before... I'm going to block your number this time."

Crying quietly, Gus nodded. He wasn't saying anything and Rusty was just... grateful for the respite.

When he walked away this time, Rusty didn't look back.

* * *

 **Epilogue**

"Hey, you did pretty good in there," Derek Jones, one of Rusty's classmates, said as he hurried to catch up to Rusty after class.

"I'd hope so," Rusty said, letting himself smirk a little, "I totally won the debate for my team, after all."

"Eh, we'd have made a come back if the Professor had let us have ten more minutes."

Rusty laughed. "Sure." He had no doubt his team could have countered any point Derek's had made, but whatever.

"Do you want to go out for drinks sometime?"

His mouth went a little dry and his pulse picked up a little. Rusty flushed too. He'd been trying to be subtle, but... well, he'd been checking out Derek in class for a while. The guy's arms were amazing - he clearly worked out - and the way his shirt today clung to him was... flattering indeed.

"I... I appreciate the offer, really..." Rusty stammered out.

"Oh, I didn't... I didn't misread anything, did I? I thought maybe, the way you were looking in me you were interested in... well..."

"I am," Rusty said quickly. "Interested, that is. In you." He blushed, bright red. Why did all his eloquence always seem to dry up outside the classroom? "I just got out of a relationship not to long ago and it ended pretty badly. I'm not really ready for... well... anything else right now."

"Okay." Derek's easy acceptance was... kind of a relief. "When you are ready, well... let me know, okay? I'm not saying I'm going to be waiting for you to change your mind, 'cause I've always thought that was a kind of creepy and condescending thing to tell a person, but... if I'm still single when you're ready to give dating another shot, then... well, we're both interested in each other so..." He ran a hand through his hair in frustration, "I swear, I'm capable of being more smooth than this."

"You and me both," Rusty agreed ruefully. "If you're still available when I'm ready to date again, I will definitely be asking about drinks."

"Some friends and I are getting together to study for the test next week if you'd like to join the cram session. Marissa, from your team today, is one of them. And Terrance Hicks - I think he's interning at the DAs office with you... though he can be a jerk, so I don't know if that's points against the group or not." Derek sounded hopeful.

"Eh, Terry's annoying but we tolerate each other. I won't hold him against you," Rusty joked. "Sure. When and where?"

Derek scribbled down the info on a blank page of his notebook and the ripped it out to pass over. "We're meeting up on two different evenings, so hopefully one of those will work with your schedule. Terry said you were related to someone on the Major Crimes squad, so you tended to get stuck with longer hours and the scariest DA as some sort of reverse nepotism."

"My mom was the Captain, but she... she passed away recently."

"Oh, god, I'm sorry."

"Me too. She... she was my adoptive mom. I only got to have her for a few years, but I'm really grateful for the time I got to have with her. She really... she really saved my life."

"She sounds amazing."

"She really was." Rusty checked his watch and then grimaced. "My next class is across campus. I gotta leave now if I'm going to make it on time. I'll see you," Rusty glanced at the times for the cram sessions; the first one was during his work hours, but the second looked promising, "Saturday."

"See you then, Rusty." Derek's grin made Rusty's stomach do a familiar flip, even as he hurried off.

He really did have class clear across campus and very little time between classes to get there. But... it'd be fun to tell Emily all about this when she called Sunday afternoon.

* * *

Notes: Okay, so I also changed up the ending with Stroh. He's still dead, but without completely insulting Sharon Rayder's legacy to pull it off. (Seriously, writers. Sharon is the ultimate rules lawyer type and they end the show with a gigantic, rule-breaking lie?)


End file.
